Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blow of life

Normally, I would keep this blog light hearted and as crazy as can be. One would think a bowl of ice cream(chocolate chip cookie dough,BTW) would induce me into a sugar frenzy high, but alas, it's the opposite. Sometimes I just get all broody and reflective and I'm not exactly "here". Like right now. My mum expects so much of me and expects me to be all "mature" and totally opposite of my brother that it's not possible. My Latin teacher told us that we all wear personas and that there's something wrong if you have two different personas, one around your friends and one around your family. That's what it feel to me. Like I can't be myself around anyone. I'm not sweet, I'm not so innocent, and I'm definitely not as smart as they want me to be. Everyone expects a teenager to be rebellious and rowdy and whatnot,but then they turn around and expect us to be smart and mature "young adults." What if I don't want to be a "young adult" yet? But as soon as a teenager tries to not do what he or she is told, they're labeled as bad and rebellious.We can't be a teenager and young adult at once. And my parents definitely expect me to be a young adult who always does what she is told to. And the thing is, I'm oddly jealous of my brother. He got to do whatever he wanted, no matter the consequences, without worrying about being likened to someone else. My parents didn't expect a lot out of him, even if they did complain about him not going anywhere in life. Me, I'm constantly being scrutinized about everything I do and if I get "out of hand," they tell me I'm starting to act like my brother. No matter what I do, it's barely good enough for them, I could always do better. I'm always being compared to someone. It's either, "you should do track, you're father was on the track team in high school." Or it's,"You're going to end up like your brother if you don't join a club or sports team. Colleges look at what you're involved in. Briana(my old friend that stopped talking to me) is in the SCA and field Hockey. Try to be more like her." And it just so happens that when I do do something, Drama, my mum could never pick me up. Apparently, her work is more important. I'm not saying that she ignores me, but it's times like that when I really do try for something that she's never there when I need her. And she would complain about having to make time up at work for getting off early.My brother was the one that picked me up on most days. He scheduled his work around the time he had to pick me up. He didn't complain one bit. I don't want you to think I don't love my parents or they don't love me. Because I do, and they love me too. But I can't help but be bitter about stuff. My dad has never been to my school concerts before. And my mum went to my ensemble once, but complained about the wait and how she had more work to do. My Pastor at church once said that God was supposed to be a parent, always giving and never expecting anything in return and that we should always turn to him and not think he expects something back. Is it my fault that that's not how I feel about my parents? That they do expect something out of me and sometimes what I do isn't enough. I can tell that they are disappointed at me.It comes out when my mum says I shouldn't be getting a B in Orchestra and I should practice more on top of all the homework I have.Sometimes trying isn't enough. And a lot of times I wish I could tell them how I really feel, instead of hiding behind a persona that isn't me. Because the fact of the matter is,is that I'm scared of how they'll react if I do. The little things I do can set them off, more so my dad. Because sometimes I remind them of what they see as a failure, a loss cause, my brother. Because sometimes being me isn't enough. And I really don't have a clue who I am. I'm not the kind, smart, and really messy girl that my parents know and try to change. And sometimes I'm not the insane,really slow, sarcastic and slightly callous girl my friends know. At least they understand there's someone underneath all that. If only I could see what they see. Because I don't know who I really am.If wishes were fishes, I'd have a lakeful by now. The way I see it, laughing is the only way to keep everyone at a distance and from being disappointed at me. Like the title says, it's the shock absorber that eases the blow of life.As long as I keep laughing, it doesn't hurt that much and I can fool myself for another day.